Diary Of A Signed Off Blogger

Apologies for the lack of posts, seems that despite having uber amounts of time on my hands I still don't seem to fit any writing in.

My last post was back at the end of September, towards the end of my 2 week sign off from work. Well since then I've had an Occupational Health assessment which has deemed me still not fit to return to work so I'm now signed off until 7th November pending being signed back on so to speak. To be honest it's a massive relief knowing I still have some respite before I have to face everyone at work, lord knows where people think I am or what conclusions they've drawn from my absence!

As to whether I will be ready to return at the start of November is anyone's guess. Whilst my moods have stabilized from swinging back and forth (they've now just settled into a low, depressed status) my anxiety is still crazy. I've been having panic attacks when I've had any contact to do with work, e.g telephone calls confirming Occ Health appointments or the letter containing the report from my appointment that I received today.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking in between napping and re-watching all 6 seasons of Gossip Girl on Netflix (I blame my mental condition and how hot Blake Lively is!). I wonder if I'm mentally capable of carrying out my job anymore, Have these weeks I've been off because I couldn't cope signalled that maybe I'm just not cut out for my job? But if I can't do my job then what can I do?
The thought of being a supermarket checkout girl and having to interact with people makes me feel sick (it's hard enough having to go out and mix with the public when my friends and family have been dragging me out of the house). Is there anything I can do successfully anymore?

My brain is pretty much shot to bits from it's meltdown and the extra meds I'm having to take. Whilst I've re-discovered my love of reading whilst I've been off I can only manage a few chapters of a book or half a magazine at a time before my brain is exhausted. I had a flash of inspiration for a short story the other day but have only written a few paragraphs before my brain shut down and haven't been able to muster the interest or energy since.

To avoid making this entire post all insecure doom and gloom I must also describe the good days I've had whilst I've been off. Firstly I've been having lots of good old fashioned Tuesdays with Helen. When I was working part-time at the Library I had every Tuesday off which conveniently co-incided with Helen's day off each week. It's been a really nice highlight of each week going to town like we used to or crashing out in front of bad TV.

A few weeks ago I went over to Gosport to see Kay and spent a lovely day meeting the new additions to her furbaby family and then visiting 'her' tree at the natural burial centre where she will eventually rest. I'm so glad I went to the site with her, it's a beautiful, peaceful place with a really positive atmosphere which I know sounds odd. I can understand why it appeals to so many people.

Me with Kay's tree

Kay and Millie Moo

Another brilliant day out was with Mum and Dad to Brooklands Museum, despite the pouring rain and the minor heart attack when I misplaced my phone (thank you again to the man who found it and rang Dad) it was a fantastic day out. The highlight was going on the Concorde they had there, flying on Concorde has always been on my bucket list and this was genuinely a dream come true. I found myself quite choked up knowing that these magnificent machines are grounded when they still had so many years of life left in them. 

The museum also focuses on British car racing's history, Brooklands had the first purpose-built car racing track in the world which we walked on. It also had an exhibition of loads of Formula 1 memorabilia so two of my biggest geeking subjects were well covered! What I also loved about the museum was the sheer enthusiasm of the volunteers there and the love they clearly had for their charges. Here's a few photos of the day -

Me on Concorde!

Mum and Dad next to one of Concorde's Rolls Royce Olympus engines, for the fact fans our there these engines were developed from the same used on one of my other favorite aircraft, the AVRO Vulcan.

Dad on the race track

Inside Concorde

Mum with Concorde

Yes this is a padded TV on a VC10 formally owned by the Sultan of Oman

Other good days and evenings out have been watching Eastbourne's annual bonfire parade and being really pleased with the photos I got of the fireworks on my SLR camera. 

Not bad huh?

Hilary, James, Barry & Luke indulging their inner pyromaniacs (big congrats to Luke and Barry on your engagement too!)

We also celebrated Chris's 23rd birthday, being the cool older sister and friend that we are me and Helen have got him a track day experience where he can choose from karting, super cars etc I can't wait!! We had a meal out with Vana's family which involved a home made Very Hungry Caterpillar cake that ended up being named Uncle Darren (very long story).

Me and Helen

Uncle Darren!

Chris and Vana with Uncle Darren

I've also bid a sad farewell to my Blackberry, you may all mock but I've been using Blackberrys since 2008 and have loved each and every one (well aside from the crappy flip one that kept re-setting itself at 4 o'clock every day) so it's a real end of an era for me. I've pledged my allegiance to a Sony Xperia and so far I have to grudgingly admit I'm pretty impressed. It has a 20MP camera which means I've been able to take photos like this of a lightening storm we had the other night -

 

As it's flimsier than my Blackberry I've had to get it a case which has given me the excuse to customise it in a Steampunk manner -

Finally a use for all those old watch parts!

I've been doing a lot of crafting, mainly cross-stitch which is helping to relax my fried brain. With Halloween coming up I've been concentrating on decorations to take to Gem's on Halloween evening and to Luke & Barry's the following night. 

Nightmare Before Christmas drawings to be made into bunting

Halloween Wreath

Black Cat Cross-stitch

I also have loads more decoration ideas up my sleeve which should prevent me from resorting to the ultimate barrel-scrape of becoming a Jeremy Kyle viewer!

Love Jen

XxxX